The most offensive song in the world

(Conversation is paraphrased because this was about seven years ago and I drink a lot. I also don’t usually speak with HTML links embedded in what I say.)

Adam “You know how back in the 50s, Elvis was so controversial because he moved his hips or whatever?”

Kara “Yeah?”

Adam “Well, today we’re used to artists like Eminem being a certain level of offensiveness, but we can assume it’ll only keep going. It makes me wonder what music will be like 50 years from now.”

Kara “Probably awful stuff.”

I then had a vision of insane thrash metal with barely any rhythm and lyrics growling through a microphone turned up way too loud.

Adam “Something like, ‘[death metal screamo voice] GO FUCK A DEAD BEAR WITH THE HERPES YOU GOT FROM YOUR GRANDMOTHER,’ and the kids are just nodding along like ‘YEAH!’”

Kara [Dying of laughter]

The conversation sparked an idea between us to write a song. The Song. The most offensive song in the world, worse than anything we had ever heard. It was a colossal creative undertaking; art cannot be rushed. AKA we kept forgetting about it and didn’t actually get around to it for a very long time.

We decided to title it “GFADBWTHYGFYG” as an homage to that original idea. Several years later, we both finally co-wrote it one week while I was visiting her during my college spring break.

Listen to this song; that is the exact “Vision” (ha!) we have for how The Song should sound. (Well, okay, listen to the first 20 seconds of it. It’s pretty trash. And fun fact: that’s actually a woman ‘singing.’) Drums that don’t make any sense. No discernable melody or tune. Most importantly: Completely unintelligible lyrics. They could be talking about running over children for all you know.

Which is exactly the point.

We had three ground rules:

(1) No racism. I’m white and I can’t get away with that.
(2) No cruelty to animals. People, however, are fair game. Including children.
(3) No 9/11 references. I don’t know what the statute of limitations is on that one.

We had to draw the line somewhere, and that was it.

Without further setup, here it is: The Song. Really soak it in, line by line, for the greatest effect.

[Ridiculous four-minute instrumental intro that makes your ears bleed, makes you want to kill people in your general vicinity, and makes you hate the song so much you want to turn it off.]

[Verse 1] [Lyrics screamed into microphone at full volume]
Go fuck a dead bear with the herpes you got from your grandmother
I chopped up 12 hookers as a meal for my dead lover
Took a picture of my dick and put it on a billboard
A whole box of cockroaches in the ball pit at McDonald’s
Got my mom a pet for Christmas but I already killed it
Got my grandma some Nair in a shampoo bottle
Got my brother some jalapeno juice for his contact lenses
Got my sister a checkbook so she can be really slow at the register

Got a job at the hospital
Just so I could switch people’s babies
Get coma patients addicted to heroin
And give retarded kids rabies
Light a burn victim unit on fire
Put meth in the coffee
And as my boss is about to retire
I fucking stab him

[Unintelligible chorus]

[Verse 2]
Woke up this morning and shot heroin in my asshole
Vodka mixed with skunk juice, petroleum, and ecstasy
Went to a neighbor’s party to say hello to my neighbors
Told them to ignore all the times they hear children scream in ecstasy
Came in the cottage cheese – how would they even know?
Brought dead hookers as a snorting surface – but I ran out of blow
So I broke the urn sitting high up on the fireplace
This nose won’t fill itself – wow you have a nice place

[Unintelligible chorus]

[Verse 3]
Drove around drunk just to run kids over
Speed limit’s 25 so I went 26
When my children come home with a loose tooth
I put dynamite under their pillow
Taught my kids wrong stuff so they’d get really bad grades
They’d come home with F’s so I’d beat them all day
Taught my kids to be warriors so they’d beat up on all the other kids
Videotape the fights so I have something to jerk off with

Wife forgot to make my sandwich so she gets the hose again
I soaked her in rubbing alcohol because she told me she was pregnant
Salmonella and eggs sandwich, cut just the way I like it
With a scalpel used during autopsies on children
Turned my life around and became a good Samaritan
Gave directions to an old, lost, blind man
But I couldn’t help myself so I walked him into traffic
Then I whipped my vagdick out and peed all over everything