The Burger of Destiny

Takes place at Tsunami Burger Yokosuka.

In the middle of The Honch, in Yokosuka, Japan, there’s this burger shop. It’s pretty good.

But they also have this massive ¥5,200 burger (about $45) that nobody ever orders. It’s just an attraction — the idea that you could order something that crazy if you wanted to.

My girlfriend-at-the-time Angela and I had walked by it several times, and there was always an obvious understanding that I was going to do it one day.

I lived in Japan for three years. During the last month before I left, it was time to put up or shut up. And you know I’m never gonna back down from my own dare.

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Preparation. Notice the sweet metal pen I’m holding. That’s my “stress pen.” I hold it whenever I’m worried, like an autistic child with a security blanket.
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Now that I think about it, that pen is one of my many stress pens over the years. My face here reveals it all. I am worried. This is going to be difficult.
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The food arrives. It is exactly what I expected, yet at the same time, it is so much bigger than I ever thought was possible. Angela and I had walked by this restaurant, and I had talked shit about it so many times. “I could do that. It’d be easy. Just like a large burger. Pssh.”
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Let’s eye this cutie up; see if we get along well.
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An obligatory size-reference photo. And I have pretty large hands.
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The first bite into the beast. The first step into oblivion.
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Halfway through that bitch.
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On to the next one, on to the next…
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I may need the assistance a fork provides.
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I am not doing well. I have conquered approximately 3/4 of this monstrosity, but there is still so much left. The bottom bun is still there. There’s a visible tomato. Lots of cheese and lettuce. And that’s not even counting the meat. The beef, which is so delicious, and the bacon, so savory.
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Put me down right now. Take me out behind the shed and shoot me with a fucking shotgun.
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LOL I can’t do this, let’s make jokes instead. The staff at the restaurant were so impressed. They said that nobody’s ever actually attempted to do it. Normally I’d call bullshit, but this is in Japan, where portions are more appropriate for children than adults.
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All you see left is egg, bacon, and other small, delicious parts of burgers. It doesn’t matter. I am dying.
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My taste buds stopped working several minutes before this picture. I literally could not taste anything at all anymore. My body had decided it would remove the pleasure portion of eating, removing any incentive to continue.
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My personal desires as a man, and as a human, didn’t matter anymore. My body made an executive decision: “We were done receiving calories a long time ago. You are hereby deemed to not be a competent bearer of the conscious and subconscious mind we grant you. You are fired. We are shutting down Program: Taste Buds. We hope you find peace and happiness in your new life.”
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My reply: “Fuck you, body. We’re fucking doing this. Even though this is so incredibly painful and agonizing.” I have never faced something so amazingly daunting. I had to prepare with Angela for the entire day by watching Man vs Food episodes about eating giant burgers.
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I had finally claimed victory. But at what cost?
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“Uhhhghgggghhhh… fucking kill me.”
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Angela: “Smile for the camera!”

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